–verb (used with object)
1. to yield (something) to the possession or power of another; deliver up possession of on demand or under duress: to surrender the fort to the enemy; to surrender the stolen goods to the police.
2. to give (oneself) up, as to the police.
3. to give (oneself) up to some influence, course, emotion, etc.: He surrendered himself to a life of hardship.
–verb (used without object)
4. to give oneself up, as into the power of another; submit or yield.
Surrendering… that is the latest thing that God is working on with me, and boy, am I fighting it. When I say “fighting it”, I mean FIGHTING IT. I don’t understand why I am either. I know that whatever He has planned for me is way better than anything I can even begin to dream of. Some of the things that I need to surrender are: food, exercise, and the fact that I have to work.
My food. Whew! This is a big one. First off… I have an eating disorder. If I’m not careful, and weigh and measure my foods (most of the time), I can compulsively overeat. When I start to feel like I want to eat all of the time, I know that there is something bothering me. I’ve spent so much of my life stuffing any feelings that I have that I have a hard time realizing when I am stressed or angry. I just want to eat so I don’t feel anything. That is a sin. It is called gluttony. My second issue with food is that I have Celiac Disease. I have to read every single label, and be careful with how foods are prepared. It makes food time very tiring. It is a battle no matter what I do.
My exercise. I was doing really well. I was working out on a regular basis. Getting in shape; getting prepared for the Rachel Carson Endurance Challenge, and then something inside me just snapped. All of a sudden, I didn’t want to workout anymore. I just wanted to eat (see above). I kept working out, but not at the same frequency or intensity. Then, I did something stupid and wore flip-flops while cleaning the house all day. Now, I’ve injured my foot. The hike is in 10 days (June 18th), and I’m hoping that it is better by then. Because I injured my foot, I have not been able to do the training hikes, exercise walk, or much of anything. I am slowing getting to the point where I am realizing that I have not been trusting God with getting me through the 35 miles. I have no choice, but to surrender to His provision.
My work. Now, most people roll their eyes when I talk about this. You may too. One of the attitudes that I get is, “we all have to work, so just deal with it.” I went for a period when I didn’t have to work. I was able to be a stay at home wife. I loved it! Who wouldn’t? Then we had to go and build a house that came in way over budget. So, here I am back to work. It is the right thing to do. I really like the house, and it is a great blessing. However, I miss being my own boss. Determining what I wanted to do and when. I know, wah, wah, wah. I am to be in the workforce for now, and that is okay.
I have noticed that when I fight these things, I’m miserable. I feel depressed, repressed, and discouraged. When I was eating properly (notice properly not perfectly), exercising routinely, and being content with working, I was happy, and peaceful. My focus was in the right place. It was not on these things, but on being obedient. It didn’t matter that I had to do all of it. I just did. I stayed in the moment. It is amazing to me that when I try to control my life and at how out of control it gets. I would like to understand why. However, it is not for me to understand right now. I need to just do. The understanding will eventually come. If I ever “get it,” I will share it with you ASAP. In the meantime, I will keep pressing on towards my goal. Total surrender to a loving God who only has my best interests at heart. What are you fighting to surrender?